About three weeks ago I moved to Texas. This was an opportunity I could not let pass me by as I have always wanted to move out of state (from Florida). I love traveling and I love experiencing new things, so when the time came, I terminated my lease, packed my car full of my most important belongings, and took the 14 hour drive West. I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a control freak but I like to have a plan and I like for that plan to follow through as expected. Unfortunately, the jobs that I had lined up and were supposed to be guaranteed fell through. Thus leaving me in a new city with no family or friends, no source of income, and a lot of time to think about everything that drives an idle mind insane.
Most disturbing my mental was the idea of purpose, life purpose.
Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing to help others be better? To help myself be better? Of course the fact that my dream jobs had slipped through my fingers – for reasons I assure you make no practical sense – have made all this “purpose” obsession worse for me.
For weeks I have been talking with close family and friends lightly about my thoughts and gratefully, they have encouraged me to follow my dreams, etc. But what I keep thinking is I AM following my dreams! I’ve applied for more jobs than I can count and no one is biting – yet, fingers still crossed. Anyways, I felt like I needed more advice; I needed to see what other people have discovered who were and/or are in my same shoes. So straight to the internet I went!
Night after night after night I’ve stayed up reading articles online about “How To” accomplish the ideas I had in my head at the moment. Perfect. Found out how. But something was preventing me and to be honest it was the idea of looking stupid if I failed. So more weeks have now gone by and I still haven’t done the things I said I was going to start last week.
About an hour ago this purpose obsession popped back up in my head. So much so that I was seriously contemplating that I am having a quarter-life crisis (I’m only 23). Not the case. While my boyfriend and I cuddled in bed watching some Tom Cruise movie I wasn’t capable of comprehending because I was so focused on my purpose, I rolled over, grabbed my phone and typed “whats your purpose” in Google. An article called “7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose” popped up and I clicked.
While I was reading I asked my boyfriend some of the questions and he answered some but I could tell he was more interested in the movie, as he should be because this is my journey. He knows his purpose at the moment – play football and finish school. I am the one losing sleep because I can’t figure out the reason for my existence. But that was when the first piece of all of this hit me. This is my journey. I, in a large part, have control over what my purpose will become. So I rolled back over and finished the article. Then I went back to the search page and read another How To. Then another. And another. Then I saw a quiz on how to determine your purpose but I didn’t click that. I didn’t need to. I didn’t need any more How To articles telling me how to figure out my calling. I already knew.
If you know me personally you will know I have a lot of goals and dreams. Most bigger than typical aspirations but all manageable. Unfortunately, most of the time when I share my goals people respond like “oh, but I thought you wanted to do…,” which I now feel may have subconsciously affected my goals. My idle time was filled trying to figure out why ONE of my purposes had temporarily feel through. Just one of them. But I have many. Everything I want to do in my life has something to do with helping others, nothing specifically for me. I think my idea of purpose was singular and when the one thing I was focusing on didn’t succeed, I got lost.
It’s possible to have more than one purpose. Think about it. All the people we interact with, all the roles we play in life, all the activities we are involved in, we have more than one purpose. Maybe one takes up the majority of our day and attention, yes. But that’s just one.
I am typing this blog on top of my boyfriends stomach while he still watches this movie and its so funny because he just said “you’re typing really fast” and then turned his attention back to the television. Yes, yes I am. Because I am excited. Reenergized. Relieved. One because I will probably be able to actually get some rest tonight. But also because I have been reassured that I am not a waste of space and a pretty face!
We have this perception about life that we see on television or read in “How To” articles that taint our views of ourselves ultimately. We don’t have to be like others and we don’t have to live by the rules that are published on the internet. If you seriously live in the world we live in today and think you are here for one and only one reason, you are sadly mistaken my friend. There are so many more reasons, and reasons you probably have not yet discovered, nor considered.
I am here to help other’s find themselves, ironically. I am here to help others better themselves. Help them see things they never thought they would want to see, do things they never expected they would find themselves doing. Push people, help people. The only thing I want to do for myself is life life with no regrets.
I am glad that I turned to the internet for guidance on finding myself. It helped me. It helped me realize that no article, no test, no other person other than myself can tell me about me. I cannot fail at doing that things I love unless I do not try. No list of questions or list of steps can tell you what your purpose is because there is no purpose, but purposes.